Monday, November 17, 2014

Facebook Fouls : A Very Special Episode of Four Minute Musings

Ah, Facebook.  I am not gonna lie, I love it.  It is my own little wonderland of creative expression, high school reunions, book club and ladies night out. But it is also a wasteland of stupidity,self indulgence, and good old fashioned tittybaby-ing.  According to my teen age daughter, who knows EVERYTHING, b t dubs, only "old people" are really on Facebook anymore. Therefore, i. feel it is my duty as an American to provide you, the consenting adults of the interwebs, with the following PSA:

If you are one of the following Facebook posters, please reconsider your approach. It is only succeeding in making the rest of us accidentally on purpose hit that block button.

1). The vague-booker.  Either say it or don't. Your thinly veiled bitchfests rarely fool anybody.  We know what and whom you are talking about.  No, we really do.

2). The overposter.  I like hearing about your life. But I like hearing about other peoples lives too. When I scroll through my news feed and see post after post from the same person--what kind of sandwich are you quizzes, pictures of a tuna salad, breaking news updates from the car loop, recaps of everything you did since your last update seven minutes ago, Buzzfeed articles, reminders to share this post if I love my mother/father/kid/gynecologist--I begin to think that a) you have a problem and b) you need a job.

3) The Poor Me Jekyll and Hyde .  I sympathize with having limited funds -- we've all been there. But I promise you NOBODY feels anything but annoyance at seeing your posts of your new car/jewelry/vacation followed immediately by posts about how your kids are going to have ramen noodles and kool-aid for Thanksgiving and how you're looking for a good free school supply program. Priorities people!

4). The Mushy Love Talker. Unless you are actually sleeping with  Hugh Jackman (in which case, spill it bitches!), there is probably a more appropriate forum for your pillow talk, intimate details,  and innuendos.  Like your bedroom. Or a therapist's office.

5). The I Guess My Invitation Got Lost Overthinker.  If I post a picture of my trip to the zoo and you are not in it, it doesn't mean I don't "like" you or didn't want you there.  It means I went to the zoo and monkeys are cute.  That's it. Sometimes I just go to the zoo.
It's not a slight. It's not a snub. It's just a zoo.

6). The I Pooped Today Braggart.   Just no.

There you go. A little advice from someone who admittedly spends way more time on Facebook than is probably healthy. But in all seriousness, the playground that is social media has changed the way we talk, engage, and interact with each other in some really amazing ways.  But in other ways it had blurred the lines, smudged the filter, and magnified things that were easier to ignore when they weren't in black and white.  My mother used to say "if you wouldn't say it to your priest or your grandmother you probably shouldn't say it at all". Still very true, and still very relevant.  And with that, I am grateful for all of you who haven't blocked me. Yet.